Reuters... Grosvenor Shares Soar! Shares in the Grosvenor Casino group soared today on news of unexpectedly high profits for the month of April. A Grosvenor spokesman said that the sharp rise in profits (up 50% on the same period last year) were thought to be due to a single factor - the absence of a Mr Alan Darv from the Portsmouth branch of the club during April. The spokesman went on, "Frankly, Darv has been a thorn in our side for a number of years now. It seems he is a member of an underground group known, we think, as the 'City Club'. One Wednesday in each month, they enter the Club posing as a group of drunken yobs. Then, working as a team, they cleverly outwit our staff, to accumulate substantial profits before leaving in the early hours. A common tactic of the group is for one of their members, known to us only as "SteveO", to create a commotion by continually insulting our staff, whilst steadily losing modest sums of money. While this is going on, Darv is quietly fleecing one of our less experienced croupiers in the background. By the time we have realised what is going on, Darv has "cashed in" and is establishing his alibi in a local "safe house" known to the underworld as "Ken's Kebabs". We assume that this is where Darv and "SteveO" split their profits. Sounding upbeat, the spokesman continued "Word on the street is that Darv is planning an International Sting this month, in the Balearic Islands and will again be absent from our clubs in May." Speculation that Darv has "had his chips for good", sent Grosvenor shares to record levels this afternoon". In a separate, and unrelated development, shares in the Broadwalk Pub in Port Solent took a dive on news of unexpectedly low volumes on April...